Dont mind me… Need to get crap out of my system
I feel like i am spiralling into a tunnel of despair. I am hurt. Hurt by my own feelings. I don’t want to bear this feeling anymore. You can not talk to people as it will only drive them further away. Facebook is crammed of people with high unrealistic expectations of me…us i don’t even like half of them including family. They just piss me off. Married or not - i even feel like i am letting my husband down because of my personality and i am so, so underserving of him. He is wonderful. Patient. Soft hearted. Compassionate. Full of love. Insane. Child like in a good way. Absolutely crazy about sport.he will do anything for me. I wish i could love it as much as he does. Just to make him happy. He deserves so much more than me. I feel no compassion towards a lot of people. Suck it up- that is my attitude. Don’t worry, i am preaching to myself here as well, thus the reason for not deflecting my feelings onto people. I’d rather hide, go to the gym not need to talk to anyone and be nice, but to be alone. I don’t mind that. I like doing things and going out by myself. I like going to the movies alone, just like now. Very independent…. And see, now i start thinking of David. And i feel bad. Because somehow i wont be able to function without him at all. I do love him with all my heart. I just need to change my hard-arse attitude and be more available on an ‘emotional’ level i guess…. Oh geez i suck.
The only one who can help me become a better person and not train my skeletal muscles into absolute agony is my God. He is alive. And i thank Him for every breath i am still able to take day in day out.